The Melancholy of Renge Houshakuji
by KoolAidBlooBeetle
Summary: Renge is in a snit.


The Melancholy of Renge Houshakuji

It was just another day for the Ouran High School Host Club. The boys were sitting around after hours when Renge appeared, looking unhappy.

"Well," she said. "I'm here to tell you that I am officially on a tear."

Exclamations and questions sounded. Renge scowled and snakes sprouted from her head.

"Alright now, settle down," Kyouya demanded and the snakes disappeared. "Care to explain?"

"I know I've often complained about silly things, but this time I'm really fed up with them!" Renge said.

"Who?" they said as one.

"These fanfic writers! I've read good and I've read awful but most of them are just borring."

"She does have a point," Kyouya said while pushing up his glasses.

"It's true," said Hunny. "There does seem to be a lot of stories with plots we've seen thousands of times before."

"And," Mori said, "they're either no better than those or they're worse. Much, much worse."

"My complaint," said Kyouya, "is with the stories that _claim_ to have an O.C."

"What's an O.C.?" Tamaki asked, eyes blinking.

Kyouya said, "A character our beloved Bisco Hatori did _not_ create, but which allows the writer to put them self into the story."

"Why do that?" Mori asked.

"To pretend that their 2D dream Host is actually interested in them," the raven-haired host said with a smirk.

"Gotcha," Mori said.

"Is an O.C. the same as a Mary Sue, Kyouya-sempai?" Kaoru asked.

"Usually."

"And what's a Mary Sue?" Tamaki asked, getting annoyed.

Renge said, "A Mary Sue is a totally fabulous character that is perfection itself or utterly perfect in trying hard NOT to be perfect as a disguise. That's a new twist in Mary Suedom, but the experienced reader recognizes a self-insert from the bad smell. There are actually several types of Mary Sues: there's Marty-Stu (the male version), Einstein Sue, Copycat Sue, Jerk Sue, Sympathetic Sue, Lemon _Stu_ , Villain Sue, and Parody Sue. If you really want to know more about Mary Sues, just google the name and you'll learn all about them. Smart readers avoid these stories like the plague because they're in poor taste, and if you're a fanfic writer, you never _ever_ create a character who is one of these Sues or Stus because it's considered lazy and self-serving."

"Nuh-uh," Mori said and everyone looked at him as he prepared to make a long speech, a rare event. "I happen to know a few fanfic writers who would never write a story with a Mary Sue or an O.C. when they're on their game. But sometimes they'll pen one for fun. An OC story is easy to write and easily forgotten."

Tamaki fluffed his hair. "Well, this has certainly been educational. But when you think about it, you can't blame these writers, can you? We're gorgeous, rich and smart. The untalented writer writes a story with an O.C. or a Mary Sue so they can pretend they're with us _and_ be talented. A lonely, desperate female like that needs our sympathy, not our scorn."

Hikaru said, "You're too nice, sempai. They're annoying as hell. You know all those girls we turn down on a regular basis? They're the ones who typically write this O.C. stuff."

Kaoru said, "Call it a consolation prize for being unable to snag a living, breathing guy. And lots of other girls who are in a similar situation tend to like those stories for the same reasons. Some even, you know, _do_ things after reading them." Kaoru winked.

"That's not nice to say, Hikaru, even if it's true," Tamaki said. "Like what?" A collective groan went up from the group.

Hunny said, "But what makes these stories so terrible?"

Renge butted in and said, "Let me tell you!"

She stood on her platform which rose above their heads with the sound of loud machinery. "The Original Character and/or the Mary Sue," Renge said with the voice of someone who has watched many anime, read a lot of manga, attempted and failed at writing good fanfic but who has attended many comicons so they must be a true fan, "is an invented character, usually female, so the author can vicariously live out their personal fantasy."

She paused, looking at the group below as they stared up at her with looks of stunned disbelief. "That's 99% of all O.C.s. and yes, you're supposed to believe that this person is a Host magnet _and_ that one or more of you will fall madly in love with him or her either a) at first sight or b) after endless chapters of a 'slow burn' story that nobody really wants to read."

"But why do that and embarrass yourself?" Hikaru asked.

"The attention, of course! You all know something about that, I assume?"

"Well, yes," Tamaki said. "It's only natural for people to pay attention to _us_."

"Well, Mr. I-Love-Myself-and-it-Feels-Good," Renge said. "Most people don't have that experience so when they get a little praise, their ego blows up and they go bat **** crazy trying to get more of it any which way they can - even if they have to fake it. And nobody cares because fanfic isn't taken seriously no matter how much NaNoWriMo says 'you too can write a novel' and dupes stooges into paying for info available for free on the interwebz. The problem is that these writers sadly believe that their story is some fantastic literary work and they're destined to be the next "breakthrough discovery."

Kyouya nodded. "You're referring to the mediocre writer who wrote a worthless book about a lackluster girl abused by a sicko billionaire, I take it?"

"So you've read it, Kyo-kun?" Tamaki asked.

"Skimmed," Kyouya said.

"The same," Renge said. "Of course, _I_ read it to see what the fuss was about and it _was_ readable, for vacay beach trash. But if we could get back to the point?"

"Please," Kyouya said, "though it isn't just the O.C.s and Mary Sues that make for terrible stories."

"Thank you for noticing," Renge said, then blew her crush a kiss. "Some writers think they're clever and just call their O.C. 'Haruhi.'"

"What?!" said the small girl who had been silent until just then.

"And then you have the stories using us, the canon characters (that's canon with one 'n' and not cannon, which is a big gun), with out of character characterizations so bad that the only thing they have in common with us is our name. And of course, there are the plots that have been done ad nauseum. Find one that's even a little original and you have to pray that they know how to write in proper English (even though we're Japanese). Of course, there are writers who just don't care so they steal plots from another fandom or some other form of entertainment. Worse yet, they ask their readers to give them plot ideas."

Mori looked confused. "But I thought if you're an author you're the one with the ideas."

"You'd think so, right?" Renge crossed her arms. "But no. And then, of course, the heroine, canon _or_ original, must suffer to prove their worthiness of hostly love."

"What do you mean, 'suffer'?" the chocolate-bon-bon-eyed girl said.

"These writers always want the heroine to suffer, but especially you, my lovely Haruhi. They must be angry because you really are loved by these boys and they're not. Anyway, not every story has you suffer but there are plots that have been so abused you have to wonder if these writers even care or if they just think they can write the same dull story better than the boring story they've just read."

"Like what?" Haruhi asked.

"Glad you asked!" Renge said before pulling out a scroll from somewhere and unrolling it until it touched the floor beside the hosts' feet. "The scenarios you see done so terribly often and terribly terrible usually have Haruhi or the O.C. Mary Sue in the following plot:

-You're the newest Host of Host Club ('cept you, Haruhi, unless it's a boring novelization of an episode or the entire friggin' anime with un-exciting differences)  
-You possess an incredible talent or have a genius IQ  
-You're preggers by a Host and _maybe_ you know who  
-You pretend to be the other gender or are transgender (skip Haruhi on that one, too)  
-You have a mysterious past or dark secret  
-You inherit money or learn you're royalty  
-You have a parent, child or sibling with a disability  
-You or a family member have a terminal illness (death in story is optional)  
-You're kidnapped, tortured, raped or made a slave (maybe all four)  
-You're forced to leave Japan, but return  
-You leave Japan voluntarily, but are hunted down by a Host(s)  
-You have amnesia (possibly on your wedding day)  
-You're forced to marry or seduce a Host  
-You're related to a Host or guest of the Host Club  
-You're an orphan or a criminal  
-You're famous or related to someone famous  
-You have one or more supernatural powers  
-You incite such passion or devotion that a Host acts totally out of character (or maybe has a mental illness)  
-You forget about pretending and look and act just like the writer in Real Life  
-You have the Hosts abstain from "bros before hoes" and fight over you (even though they never would)  
-You fall in love with more than one Host or vice versa and,"

Renge paused and pointed to the twins. "If it involves you two, a poll will be taken to find out if Haruhi or the O.C. should date, hook up with or marry one of you or both of you, which brings us to the all-time heinous plot, Haruhi-the-slut."

"The what?" Hunny said in a loud voice. "Not Haruhi!"

Tamaki blushed. Kyouya's glasses glinted. Mori looked away and the twins looked at each other and smirked.

"Well, according to my data," said Renge, "there are lots of readers who want to see Haruhi or the O.C. Mary Sue sleep with you all, either one at a time or all together. And I don't mean just sleep, if you know what I mean. Some of it is downright hentai and you wouldn't believe what these perverts want to write or read."

"B-but I never would do that!" Haruhi said, defending herself, chocolate eyes melting from the heat of her anger. "I'm an honor student, not a love-starved sex addict."

Kyouya stepped forward. "Everything Renge-chan has said is true, I'm afraid, and there's nothing we can do to stop it from continuing. I can't even think of a way to make money from it, which is odd because I'm often wrongly depicted as a money-grubbing Machiavellian type and everyone disagrees on how my name should be spelled." His glasses glint.

"At least you get to be smart, Kyouya," Tamaki said. "I'm usually depicted as a shrieking idiot."

"I'm a selective mute," said Mori.

"I have a secret desire to be mean and controlling," said Hunny. "And I feel your pain, Kyo, on the name-spelling thing."

" _We_ have separation issues," said Kaoru.

"But we _all_ definitely get action," said Hikaru in a snide voice.

"Yeah," replied Kaoru, "but whether it's hot or not depends on how good the writer is at writing a sex scene, which takes some chops, especially for yaoi."

"Some can handle it, yaoi or otherwise," said Kyouya. "Most can't. And many of those who can would rather write raunchy, out of character scenarios than anything remotely realistic."

"Fap fodder," said Mori.

"Yup," said Hunny.

"But," Renge said, reasserting her authority, "I'm hardly ever depicted sleeping with any of you and I WAS HERE FIRST! I can do what any O.C. can do and twice as good, so why am I not being used as a character more often? You can see why I'm annoyed." Her pedestal lowered to the floor and the Host Club's Lady Manager stepped back among them. "I'm going home," she growled with balled up fists. She walked away, but paused when Tamaki called to her and she turned her head to look at the rather quiet Host Club.

Tamaki said, "I'm just wondering why this story said it has an O.C. but I didn't see one."

The honey-blonde smiled to herself. "That was just a ruse to get the writers and readers of O.C. stories to read it."

"But that's terrible," Tamaki said.

"Hey," Renge said. "They don't play fair with me so why should I play fair with them?" Tamaki had to think about that, but everyone else simply nodded in agreement. "Just remember to thank the person who was casually browsing and noticed that there are 20+ O.C. stories for every canon-character story in this fandom. It wasn't always like that but every fandom has its day and Ouran's fandom has descended into O.C. Mary Sue hell."

The group all turn to face this story's author sitting at his computer.

"Arigatogozamashita!" they said as a group.

Nagisa looked at them with a smile and said, "Someone had to do it _."_

 _The End_

 **Author Notes: And so I'm baaaaaackkk! Hello my lubby wubbys! You don't mind if I treat you like children by calling you a cutesy name, do you? So yeah, this story is complete farce. I admit that. But it holds great truths, too. And it's really no worse or better than so many other stories out there, so I'm _begging_ you to review and favorite and follow. I'll even bribe you with a promised reward. Yes, that's how desperate I am for attention. What? You're surprised? Wake up and smell the dogdung, baka. Quality writers in fanfic are rare, though they do exist. Quality readers know who they are. And quality fanfic writers do not write OC stories, even if Mori says they do.  
**

 **KBB**

 **P.S. Flames welcome so I can start a review war and get attention that way, if nothing else.**


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